Understanding Gender: A Transgender 101 Guide - How to Be an Ally

July 12, 2024 / Unity and Pride Network / by Garrick D. Pattenden

Transgender and gender-diverse individuals often face significant discrimination and misunderstanding. Becoming an ally to transgender people involves concrete actions that support and elevate their voices, fostering a safer and more inclusive society for everyone. Here are comprehensive tips and insights on how to be an effective ally to the transgender community.

You Can’t Tell if Someone is Transgender Just by Looking

Transgender people come from diverse backgrounds and do not have a specific appearance. Many transgender individuals may not be visibly identifiable as transgender. It’s important to avoid making assumptions about a person’s gender identity based on their appearance. Always assume that there may be transgender people in any gathering or space, just as you wouldn't try to identify gay individuals based on looks alone.

Don’t Make Assumptions About a Transgender Person’s Sexual Orientation

Gender identity is distinct from sexual orientation. While gender identity pertains to one's internal understanding of being male, female, or something else, sexual orientation describes who one is attracted to. Transgender people, like cisgender people, can be gay, lesbian, bisexual, straight, or any other sexual orientation. Avoid conflating the two concepts.

If You Don’t Know What Pronouns to Use, Listen First

If you’re unsure which pronouns someone uses, listen to how others refer to them. When introducing yourself, share your own pronouns first to create a welcoming environment. For example, “Hi, I’m Alex and I use he/him pronouns. What about you?” If you make a mistake with pronouns, apologize quickly, correct yourself, and move on without making it a bigger issue than it needs to be.

Don’t Ask a Transgender Person What Their “Real Name” Is

Respect the name a transgender person currently uses, and don’t ask about their birth name unless they offer that information. Referring to someone by their previous name, also known as "deadnaming," can cause significant distress and anxiety. Similarly, do not share photos or stories from before their transition without their explicit permission.

Understand the Differences Between “Coming Out” as Lesbian, Gay, or Bisexual and “Coming Out” as Transgender

“Coming out” as lesbian, gay, or bisexual involves revealing one’s sexual orientation, whereas coming out as transgender involves disclosing one’s gender identity. For many transgender individuals, transitioning to live as their true selves is a deeply personal journey. While some may choose to be open about their transgender status, others may not. Respect each person's decision regarding how much they wish to share about their gender history.

Be Careful About Confidentiality, Disclosure, and “Outing”

A transgender person’s gender history is personal information and should be shared only at their discretion. Do not disclose someone’s transgender status or speculate about it without their permission. Outing someone can lead to negative consequences, including loss of employment, housing, and personal safety. Always prioritize confidentiality and privacy.

Respect the Terminology a Transgender Person Uses to Describe Their Identity

Transgender people use various terms to describe their identities, such as transgender, transsexual, nonbinary, and genderqueer. Use the terms that individuals prefer and give them time to determine the labels that best describe their gender identity. Allow people to define themselves without imposing your own labels or assumptions.

Be Patient with a Person Who is Questioning or Exploring Their Gender Identity

A person exploring their gender identity may take time to understand and express their true self. They might change their name or pronouns multiple times. Show respect and adaptability by using the name and pronouns they currently prefer. Patience and support are crucial during this personal journey.

Understand There is No “Right” or “Wrong” Way to Transition, and That It Is Different for Every Person

Transitioning is a highly individual process. Some transgender people may undergo hormone therapy or surgeries, while others may not. Access to gender-affirming healthcare can be limited due to financial or logistical reasons. Recognize that a person’s gender identity is valid regardless of medical interventions. Accept and respect their identity as they express it.

Don’t Ask About a Transgender Person’s Genitals, Surgical Status, or Sex Life

Inquiries about a transgender person’s genitals, surgical status, or sex life are inappropriate and invasive. These questions are personal and should only be discussed if the transgender person chooses to bring them up. Respect their privacy just as you would for any cisgender individual.

Avoid Backhanded Compliments and “Helpful” Tips

Comments meant to be supportive can sometimes be hurtful. Avoid remarks like:

• • “I would have never known you were transgender. You look so pretty.”
• • “You look just like a real woman.”
• • “He’s so hot. I’d date him even though he’s transgender.”
• • “You’re so brave.”
• • “You’d pass so much better if you wore less/more makeup, had a better wig, etc.”
• • “Have you considered a voice coach?”

Such comments can be perceived as diminishing or invalidating the person’s gender identity.

Challenge Anti-Transgender Remarks or Jokes in Public Spaces, Including LGB Spaces

Stand up against anti-transgender remarks or jokes, even if they come from within the LGB community. Transphobia should be challenged whenever and wherever it occurs. By speaking out, you contribute to a more inclusive and respectful environment for everyone.

Support All-Gender Public Restrooms

Advocate for single-user, unisex, and all-gender restrooms in schools, businesses, and public facilities. Ensure that transgender, nonbinary, and gender non-conforming people can use restrooms where they feel safe and comfortable.

Help Make Your Company or Group Truly Trans-Inclusive

Being LGBTQ-inclusive means addressing the unique challenges faced by transgender people. Implement policies that support transgender employees and members, such as inclusive healthcare benefits, non-discrimination policies, and diversity training.

At Meetings and Events, Set an Inclusive Tone

Use gender-neutral language in group settings. For instance, refer to people by clothing descriptions rather than gendered terms. Consider adding all-gender restroom signs and encourage introductions with names and pronouns. However, be mindful not to single out transgender individuals or make them feel uncomfortable.

Listen to Transgender People

The most effective way to be an ally is to listen to transgender people. Follow transgender thought leaders, read books, watch films, and engage with content created by transgender individuals. Understanding their experiences and perspectives is key to becoming a supportive ally.

Learn That Transgender People Are Not New

Transgender people have existed throughout history and across cultures. Increased media attention has heightened awareness, but transgender individuals have always been part of the human experience. Educate yourself about the history of transgender people and their contributions to society.

Know Your Own Limits as an Ally

Acknowledge when you don’t know something and seek out resources to learn more. Being an ally is a continuous process of education and action. Don’t make assumptions or spread misinformation. Instead, strive to understand and support the transgender community through informed and compassionate actions.

For comprehensive recommendations on understanding gender identity and expression, you can refer to various resources on gender identity. These resources provide invaluable information on the complexities of gender identity, including definitions, cultural perspectives, and personal experiences.

For more detailed insights and comprehensive recommendations on being an effective ally to the transgender community, you can refer to GLAAD's guide on Tips for Allies of Transgender People. This resource provides invaluable information on how to support transgender individuals, including practical advice, common challenges, and ways to create a more inclusive environment.

Note:

Allyship is a continuous journey of learning and growth. Being an effective ally means actively seeking out education and reflecting on one's own behavior and biases. It involves standing up against transphobia, even when it's uncomfortable, and using your privilege to amplify trans voices. By fostering an inclusive environment and supporting trans rights, allies can contribute to a more equitable and compassionate society. Remember, small actions can make a significant difference in the lives of trans and gender-diverse individuals. Your commitment to allyship can help create a world where everyone is respected and valued for who they are.

Deep Dive into Gender Identities

Transgender identity is diverse and multi-faceted. Here are some key terms and concepts:

• Transgender: Refers to individuals whose gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. The experience of being trans varies widely, and there is no single way to be trans.

• Nonbinary: An umbrella term for genders that don't fit within the traditional binary of male and female. Nonbinary people may identify as a mix of both, neither, or something else entirely.

• Cisgender: Describes individuals whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned at birth. This term helps to normalize both cis and trans identities.

• Transitioning: The process a trans person undergoes to align their physical and social identity with their gender identity. This can include social changes, such as using new pronouns, and physical changes, such as hormone therapy or surgery.

• Gender Dysphoria: A term describing the distress a person feels due to a mismatch between their gender identity and their assigned sex. Not all trans people experience dysphoria, and those who do find various ways to manage it.

• Pronouns: Using the correct pronouns for someone is a fundamental way to show respect. Some people use neopronouns, such as "ze/hir," to better align with their gender identity.

Creating Inclusive Spaces

Educational institutions, workplaces, and other organizations can foster inclusivity by incorporating gender-neutral language into their policies and practices. This includes using terms like "parent" instead of "mother" or "father" and ensuring that forms and documents reflect diverse gender identities.

According to a report by GLSEN, schools with supportive policies and practices for LGBTQ+ students have significantly lower rates of harassment and higher levels of student well-being. This demonstrates the positive impact of inclusive environments.

The Evolution of Language

Language around gender and bodies is constantly evolving to reflect lived experiences. Inclusive language helps make trans people feel acknowledged and respected. Terms like "cisgender" and "nonbinary" offer more accurate descriptions of people's experiences, challenging the traditional binary understanding of gender.

By adopting inclusive language, we can create a more accepting society. This involves using correct pronouns, promoting nonbinary identities, and challenging outdated gender norms. Inclusive language in legal and medical contexts ensures that trans and nonbinary people receive respectful and appropriate care.

Final Thoughts

As our understanding of gender continues to evolve, so too must our language and actions. By embracing inclusive language and practices, we can foster a society that recognizes and celebrates the diversity of human experience. This not only benefits trans and nonbinary individuals but enriches our collective understanding of gender and identity. Let us continue to educate ourselves and others, promoting a world where everyone is seen, respected, and valued for who they are.

Co-Authored by:

• • Olly Harford - They/Them
• • Erik Ly - He/Him
• • Zac Puchalski - They/Them
• • Kochava Lilit - They/Them
• • Asiel Adan Sanchez - They/Them
• • Arlo Carracher - They/Them
• • Margot Fink - She/Her