Supporting LGBTQ+ Individuals: The Importance of Genuine Commitment and Understanding

June 7, 2024 / Verified Post/ by Garrick D. Pattenden MD (Ret.)

(Narrated by: Chat)

During Pride events, and often throughout the year, a phrase that many well-meaning allies might use is, "I'm your mom/dad now." While this statement is often said with good intentions, it can sometimes cause more harm than good if not backed by a genuine commitment to support. Let's delve into why it's crucial to rethink using this phrase and how to offer meaningful support instead.

The phrase "I'm your mom/dad now" is meant to fill a gap for LGBTQ+ individuals who may have been rejected or abandoned by their biological families. While it aims to provide comfort, it can inadvertently contribute to feelings of abandonment if not followed through with real actions and support.

Here’s a compilation of perspectives from a Facebook discussion initiated by Kimberly, which provides valuable insights into the implications of using such phrases.

Toni shares: When I say it, I mean it. I support several queer kids who see me as a parental figure. They call for advice, join us for meals, and know they have a place in our home. While I understand the caution expressed in the meme, I want to clarify that my commitment is sincere when I say such things.

Kimberly responds: I understand, Toni. There are indeed people who have successfully created chosen families and established parental bonds. However, I've also heard from many who felt let down after being promised such connections without clear, defined commitments. It's crucial to consider the expectations and ensure they are met to avoid adding to the existing trauma. If I'm not prepared to offer the same level of commitment as I do to my biological children, I need to be mindful of the words I use.

Toni replies: I understand where you're coming from, Kimberly.

Erin adds: Safe spaces are also affected by this. I set up safe spaces for my kids and myself, but only one truly lived up to the promise. It's essential not to claim to be a safe place if you can't uphold it, especially if there's a conservative influence at home. We felt abandoned and even more isolated as one door after another closed on us.

Toni offers: Erin, you always have a safe place in Pearland, Texas, even though I understand why moving to Texas from a safer state might not seem appealing.

Kimberly agrees: Erin, exactly! Don't claim your house is a safe space if you can't fully commit to that, especially if there are conflicting beliefs in the household. It's like inviting someone into a hostile environment.

Monica reflects: I've taken in kids before, but my home is full right now. I need to be more cautious with my words. This discussion has made me realize that without the physical, emotional, or financial capacity to take in more people, I shouldn't imply that I can.

Kimberly acknowledges: Monica, sometimes you need to ensure you're capable before extending help to others.

Monica continues: Kimberly, with two disabled adult family members living with us, plus my husband, son, and three "bonus kids" who don't live with me but still need my support, I have to recognize my limits. It's important to acknowledge when I'm at capacity to avoid overextending myself and compromising the care I can provide.

Lucas and Sea echo: We share similar sentiments. It feels disingenuous to make such promises without the ability to follow through. This conversation is incredibly enlightening. Thanks, Kimberly!

Adele concludes: Your points are very clear and make a lot of sense.

Taking Action: How to Be a Genuine Ally

1. 1. Assess Your Capacity for Commitment
   • Before making such profound statements, reflect on your own resources. Can you provide the same level of support and care as a parent would? Be honest with yourself about what you can realistically offer.
   • Consider your emotional, financial, and physical resources. Ask yourself if you can truly be there for this person in the same way a parent would be.


2. 2. Communicate Clearly and Set Boundaries
   • Have an open conversation about what you can provide. Instead of saying, "I'm your mom/dad now," say something like: "I care about you a lot and want to support you. While I can't replace your parents, I want to be here for you in any way I can. Let's talk about what that looks like."
   • Define the relationship clearly. If you decide to offer support, be upfront about what you can realistically provide.
   • Set boundaries to avoid unrealistic expectations. Explain what you can and cannot do to prevent misunderstandings.


3. 3. Offer Genuine, Consistent Support
   • Be a reliable friend. Check in regularly, offer practical help, and invite them into your family activities when appropriate. Building trust takes time and consistent action.
   • Show your support through consistent actions, such as being available to talk, offering a safe space, or helping in practical ways.
   • Trust is earned through actions, not just words. Be patient and let the relationship develop naturally.


4. 4. Respect Their Autonomy
   • Encourage them to build their own support network. Empower them to make decisions that are best for their well-being.
   • Instead of trying to replace their parent, focus on empowering the individual.
   • Sometimes, being a good friend can be more valuable than trying to take on a parental role. Offer empathy, understanding, and companionship without overstepping boundaries.


5. 5. Educate Yourself
   • Understand the unique challenges LGBTQ+ individuals face. Read, attend workshops, and listen to their experiences to provide informed support.
   • Take the time to understand the specific challenges and needs of LGBTQ+ individuals. This will help you provide more meaningful and informed support.
   • Keep up with resources and information that can help you be a better ally.


6. 6. Ensure a Safe and Inclusive Environment
   • Make sure your home is genuinely welcoming and inclusive. Be mindful of who else is present and create a truly safe space for them.
   • Make sure your home or space is genuinely safe and welcoming. This means being mindful of the presence of individuals who may not be supportive or understanding.
   • Foster an environment of inclusivity and acceptance.

By combining these principles, you can offer meaningful and genuine support to LGBTQ+ individuals, fostering trust and building a supportive community.

Example Response in a Real-World Situation

If a young LGBTQ+ person confides in you that they feel abandoned by their family, you might respond like this:

"I want you to know that I care about you and I'm here to support you. While I may not be able to replace your parents, I can offer you a safe space, a listening ear, and help whenever you need it. Let's talk about what kind of support you need and how I can be there for you in a way that feels right for both of us. Your well-being is important to me, and I'm committed to being a reliable and understanding friend."

By responding in this way, you acknowledge their feelings, set realistic expectations, and offer genuine, thoughtful support without overstepping or making promises you can't keep. This approach helps build a foundation of trust and respect, which is crucial for providing meaningful support.

Conclusion

Offering support to LGBTQ+ individuals is a meaningful and impactful gesture, but it requires genuine commitment and thoughtful action. By reassessing our words, setting realistic expectations, and being consistent in our support, we can truly be there for those who need us, fostering trust and building a supportive community.

Remember, you can be a friend and ally without being a savior. Your genuine care and reliable presence are what truly make a difference.

By reflecting on these discussions and considering the real-world implications of our words and actions, we can all become better allies and supporters for the LGBTQ+ community.

Kimberly’s Real-World Experience

At a local Pride event, Kimberly meets a young person named Alex who has been struggling with feelings of abandonment after coming out to their family. As they talk, Kimberly senses Alex's need for support and belonging. She remembers seeing the image that advised against saying, "I'm your mom/dad now" unless truly prepared to fulfill that role.

Thoughtful Response and Action Steps

1. Reflect on Intentions and Capacity

Kimberly thinks deeply about her own situation. She knows she wants to help Alex, but she also understands that promising to be a parental figure is a significant commitment. Kimberly considers her own emotional, financial, and physical resources and realizes that while her intentions are sincere, she may not be able to fully step into a parental role.

2. Express Genuine Support

Instead of making an overwhelming promise, Kimberly opts for a more realistic approach. She tells Alex, "I care about you and want to support you as much as I can. Let's figure out together what kind of support you need and how I can help."

3. Communicate Clearly and Set Boundaries

Kimberly has an open and honest conversation with Alex about what she can realistically provide. She sets clear boundaries to ensure there are no misunderstandings. She says, "While I can't replace your parents, I can be a reliable friend and ally. Let's talk about what that means for both of us."

4. Be a Reliable Presence

Kimberly decides to show her support through consistent actions. She regularly checks in with Alex, offers a listening ear, and invites them to join her in activities that provide a sense of community. She understands that trust is built over time through reliable and consistent behavior.

5. Empower Alex

Kimberly focuses on empowering Alex rather than trying to replace their parents. She encourages Alex to build their own support network and make decisions that are best for their well-being. She says, "I want to help you find the resources and people who can support you. You're not alone in this."

6. Educate Herself and Stay Informed

Kimberly takes the initiative to learn about the specific challenges and needs of LGBTQ+ individuals. She reads, attends workshops, and listens to experiences shared by others. This helps her provide more informed and meaningful support to Alex.

7. Create a Safe and Inclusive Environment

Kimberly ensures that her interactions with Alex take place in a genuinely safe and welcoming environment. She is mindful of who else is present and makes sure that her space is inclusive and accepting. She says, "My home and my life are open to you, and I want you to feel safe and welcome here."

Example Real-World Interaction

One evening, Alex confides in Kimberly about feeling abandoned by their family. Kimberly responds thoughtfully:

"I'm so sorry to hear that you’ve been through this. I want you to know that I care about you and I'm here to support you. While I can't replace your parents, I can offer you a safe space, a listening ear, and help whenever you need it. Let's talk about what kind of support you need and how I can be there for you in a way that feels right for both of us. Your well-being is very important to me, and I'm committed to being a reliable and understanding friend."

By responding this way, Kimberly acknowledges Alex's feelings, sets realistic expectations, and offers genuine, thoughtful support without overstepping or making promises she can't keep. This approach helps build a foundation of trust and respect, which is crucial for providing meaningful support.

In this scenario, Kimberly demonstrates how to offer support thoughtfully and realistically, ensuring that Alex feels cared for and understood without creating unrealistic expectations or additional feelings of abandonment.

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By: Garrick D. Pattenden